daydreaming.

17.30. Suatu sore.
Masuk ke dalam rumah dan disambut pelukan kangen dari mas Danar. He's 2 years old right now.
Sementara di kamar, 1 year old Divya is sleeping.
Then he come home. Cium tangan dan kening. He kiss his kids. And hug them.
Then we pray. Sajadahnya di depanku. He's leading and oh how I just loves to be lead this way.
Then we lay back on our couch, with Danar clinging on me. Dinner and good conversations. Talking about our days and silly coworkers. Talking about new songs and movies.
Then when Danar fall asleep, he carry him into his room.
Then we go into our room. Put a nice song on the stereo. Our song, probably. Then we hug each other til we fall asleep.

Daydreaming.

life 3.0.

what is actually that we're expecting from life?

satu bulan menuju the notorious 30, I reminisce minutes after minutes of my life.
semua cerita, sakit hati dan bahagia.. satu persatu diputar kembali
just to get the meaning from all of that.

salah satu mantan saya pernah bilang,
saya adalah orang yang beruntung
karena hidup saya sangat bewarna
banyak yang datang dan pergi
banyak masalah dan cerita yang tidak biasa
banyak hal-hal yang hanya terjadi pada sedikit orang di dunia
and yet it happened to me

honestly, i never believed him.
I always thought that God just like to play drama with me
bahkan sempat terpikir bahwa mungkin aura saya yang membawa masalah selalu mendekat

Saya sadar, saya bukan orang paling menderita di dunia ini
masih banyak orang-orang yang permasalahannya jauh lebih berat
dengan penderitaan yang jauh lebih menyakitkan
dan hidup yang lebih susah.

Saya sadar, God has given me so many good things in life.
I have great friends and families,
which was, although they're not perfect (hey, who does anyway?),
tapi saya tahu mereka adalah yang terbaik untuk hidup saya

and my love life,,
I always thought back then, that this day today, I'll already end up with a family
a great husband and some children
raising their life
But here I am. And I can't complain more.

My career,,,
biasanya orang seumur saya sudah ada di posisi yang bagus
sudah punya ini dan itu. Dengan kata lain, sudah berhasil

I've just recently graduated from my training program
here at my late 29.
Some people might called it too late.
But this is me.

my problems,,
for some people, they have the luxury of leaving their past
not me.
the past has made me this way
there's no way I could ever forget that
it's my karma.

But there is one thing that I'm certain of
this whole life, has taught me to be a fighter
to accept the un-perfectness of it

So what? Here I am, facing my 30.
I'm not married yet. Why be sad?
It means that God has given me more time to think about myself
to be selfish for a while
to be able to go anywhere I can and do things that I want
without putting burden on someone else

So I'm just a junior employer
But I really, really, had a good time in my younger days
I spend time just fooling around
just being lazy and ignorance
and I've learned, that I had enough of it
so I'm no longer curious about it

My problems?
Sometimes I thank God, that He make them stays constantly in my life
so I remember
that those pains I've suffered. Semua berhasil saya lewati.
Satu per satu. Semua saat-saat dimana saya merasa ingin menyerah
ternyata terlewati, and I'm still living right now.

So now I start to believe that I am blessed with a colourful life
cause not everybody got this chance
to feel what I'm feeling

And I'm so ready to face the rest of my life.
with all the ups and downs
with all the hopelessness
cause later, I can look back at them, and learn.

Never say regret.

this thing we have

this is the kind of love

that makes you learn
reality is not always befriend your expectation
hope sometimes seems far beneath the impossible

that makes you learn
it took more than passion to love
it is about accepting and trusting,
although it is pushing you to your limit

that makes you learn
beyond the barrier of your imagination
there are other things you thought you wouldn't got thru
but actually you could

that makes you learn
that makes you do things you never thought you're able to
that makes you forget yourself

this is the kind of love
the perfect love
that makes you learn to let go 

why ?

why is it so hard for you to love me?









the feeling of not knowing

the feeling of powerless




it's taking me bit by bit


and it hurts.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

home.

salahkah aku berharap mati?










pejam. senyap.

kelam.



sejuk.
tenang.


pulang.




selesai.
semua selesai.


bukan tangisku lagi
bukan sedihku




tidur.
selesai.
semua selesai.




aku ingin pulang, Tuhan.

somewhere I could call home.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

never me.

it's everything





anything






but me.






it never was.







-pavilion, 020412, 20.40-

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

i could and i would

i can be anything
i can be everything

i'll give you anything that you need

i'll make you feel safe

i'll make you know you are something
... and everything

i can heal you, and protect you

i can make your life, your days brighter

i will be there anytime you need me

i will be anything for you
and be your everything

i can give you... my life



... if you can make me love you


-8march2011-

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

this is it

here it is


here it goes



there won't be a perfect time for goodbye
there will never be





why do good things comes to an end



why do I keep doing these






I will be better, I know, it's only a matter of time

Here

.
.
I've been exactly here years ago
.
The same feeling
.
The same hurt
.
The same stupidity
.
.
.
.
And I can't find a reason why am I still standing here right now
.
.
Waiting to be hurted again.
.
.
.
.
Foolish me.
Powered by Telkomsel BlackBerry®

.a quiescent mind.

.
tired, but i have no reason to give up
.
afraid, but i have no strength to quit
.
drained, and exhausted
.
but i'm here.
.
i'm still here.





and i don't know why.




.stbd.tmr.iv.40 .
.obsolete fatigue.

Life is...

If life is a rollercoaster
Now I'm throwing my hands up in the air
And screaming out loud

They called this: play along


If life is a beach, I'm putting my bikini on
Laying under the sun, sipping my martini
And listening to Bob Marley

They called this: enjoy


If life is a football match
I'm putting my jersey on
Kickin' my opponents' butts and score

They called this: fighting




Well,,, I guess you got my point about life, right?



-march 16, 2011-
bellanawangsidi
Powered by Telkomsel BlackBerry®

oh, why.

it is there, and it stays



like a halloween on summer days


like a bitter lollipop


like a nightmare on your best sleep time


like a fight on a honeymoon



doesn't rhyme








but somehow love and hurt managed to stick together


oh, why.

the crave

loneliness won't kill me

freedom suits me just well

solitude gives me time for myself





but the crave for a cuddle puts me on my grave





i can be alone

but not lonely





i need you for that

i'm sorry, baby, i need you for that


it will hurt us, i know


i'm so sorry, baby, but i need you

gloomy saturday

like superman who lost his flying ability

i really don't know where to start
and i don't know what to do


i just don't know who i am anymore




i know i want you

but will you hurt me ?


will i hurt you ?




i just want to love.

happy

happiness is something that should (not) need to be fight for
happiness is (should be) on your mind, dwelling within you
happiness (no) need to be searched



it is something you want
you know that you want
something you need


the only thing missing is,, you just don't know how to be there.


.end of speech.

hey, kiddo !

man, you are the biggest liar that i ever met

you're not lying to me

nor anyone else



you are lying to yourself





you are the biggest self-denial-man that i ever know





and even if I told you so, I know you'll deny it


well, good luck with your life, kiddo
you're going nowhere but to kill yourself with those denials.

dear life

You think you got me but you're not

Life is playing at you right now but you're just too arrogant to see

Faith is twisting your soul but you're just too snob to admit



You think you are everything but sorry, baby, you're not
You are something
But not everything


I love my self more than I love you

(no)thing

I am everything


I say the right things at the right moments

I do the everything when you need me to

I know you more than anyone would know

I am the one you ever needed


I am not nothing


but I am nothing to you, I know.


I am no one to you.


and I can't fight that.



it's over.







setiabudi timur IV, july 18, 2010. 06.14 p.m.

Let it heals, baby,,

Let it breath
Let it feels how it feel to be loved
Let it cries and let it stumble
Let it free


Your heart is yours to keep
Just don't be selfish,,
Love is just something too precious to be kept.




-selfish me-
July 18, 2010. 06.05. p. m.

i need help

i

need

help

......help

jangankan gelap,
kelam pun tak akan buat akalku beralih
tak terlihat, hanya berbayang disini dan disana
hanya bayang, tanpa sesuatu yang jelas

jangankan secercah,
api dan sinar tak tampak seujung pun
tapi tak henti juga langkahku
tak lelah aku terus mencari... atau menanti?

tapi jangankan gelap,
kelam pun tak akan buatku berdalih

karena cinta itu memang buta, sayang...


bandung, 21 juli 2008
buat sahabat yang sedang buta,
kamu seperti ini

Ada kisahnya

Dibalik tawanya orang itu bercerita

Tentang masa lalunya

Sakitnya ketika ada perpisahan

Namun cukup kenangan untuk mendewasakannya

Lalu katanya,sudahlah, nak

Jangan kau sesali apa yang baru kau alami

Suatu saat kau akan menjadi seperti aku

Dan bisa menceritakan sakitmu dengan tawa

Berhentilah menangis, nak

Biarlah kau lakukan apa yang kau mau

Apapun….

Selama kau yakini langkahmu

7 januari, 2004

untuk sahabatku

another poem from back then..

Kalau saja kau tau betapa besar cintaku padamu

Mungkin kau mengerti mengapa aku terbaring terliput debu,

agar kau tetap melangkah tanpa menginjak lumpur

august 5^th, 2003

I do love you, t.

takkan kubersujud padamu

sujudku hanya untukNya

takkan kumemohon padamu

kau takkan mengertiku

takkan kumeminta padamu

lalu kau beri tanpa rela

takkan kumenangis untukmu

air mata tak bisa berbicara

takkan kujelaskan padamu

dan menjadikan salah selalu aku

yang kan kulakukan hanyalah tersenyum…

dan berharap kau paham…

24 juni ‘03

harusnya tak ada rasa itu

bila kutau akan menyiksaku

harusnya kuenyahkan kau dari diriku tapi aku tak bisa,

jadi maafkanlah aku karena hatiku memilihmu…

22 mei 2002 22.24

maafkanlah aku karena kau sangat berarti untukku…

semua sakitku dapat kau obati

hanya dengan genggaman

tanganmu…

mei 12, ‘02

02.22 a.m

aku berharap untuk dapat hidup dua kali

kali ini kan kupinta jalanku

kan kuhadapi sulitnya

kan kutiti tepiannya

kan kutelan sakitnya

namun kan kupinta…

perbedaan takkan punya hak lagi

untuk dijadikan alasan memisahkan

14 april 2002

d

aku takkan bisa tanpamu

dan bagaimana kau mengharap aku bisa

bila cinta dan jiwaku kau bawa pergi

Cinta ini hanya kita yang rasa

Hanya kita yang dapat membunuhnya

Kumohon bukan aku, dan bukan kamu

Kumohon bukan kita…

3rd february 2002

i don't want no tears
too many painfull thoughts
too many heartache

i don't ask for tears
fights and another pain

but if loving you comes with it
then i'll take it all
with all my hopes
and i'll fight for it
with all my strenght




04.05.07 22.54
for you, as always

aku, airmata dan hatiku
aku yang terluka
aku yang menangis
aku yang berairmata

aku, kau iris dengan senyum
dan kau tetesi airmata
aku, kau tanamkan cinta dengan dalam
lalu kau cabuti satu persatu
tak kau hiraukan darah yang mengalir

dan kau pergi menutup luka yang lain

tak kau hiraukan
aku, airmata dan hatiku





end of april 2007

lately the happiness doesn't bring any laughter
and the sadness doesn't bring any tears
even the hurt doesn't give me any pain

who am i to You?

i felt my strenght
and i also felt Yours
i am dependent

i am Yours

so i sat on my knees
laying my head down on the ground
praising You

You are everything

thank You for life
thank You for everything
thank You for myself

gasp...

gasping...


choked, choked, choked


can't breath

can't taste the air

can't live


help..





need you..















help..




























*sigh

i need surprises
i need changes and suddeness

i need surprises

to even love you more

i found you
i finally found you

the affection that i always need
the affection that i have to share
the similarity on it


oh, how small that is
just a kiss kiss
and a hug

oh, how small that is

but i finaly found my match...




damned you for making it hard!

friday.may 4.2007 23.14
overheard myself talking to the sacred soul in the ceiling of my room
she asked too much

>>do you ever wonder... how much's the price of yourself?
>>do you ever know how much is enough for yourself?

the sacred soul laughing haha but she barely even listen

tick tock and 23.14 became 23.57
she kept talking and talking and really doesn't want to hear
sometimes people just need to be selfish, really need to
she kept asking too much

>>do you ever think, really think hard, that you don't deserve these?
>>do you ever feel, does he worth all the fights? all your pain?
>> does he?

the sacred soul still laughing haha and started to leave, it's all a big joke
but it's not funny for her...
haha!

march 27, 2007.

09.25.a.m
[alarm]
someone's coming. someone's getting closer. someone might get hurt.

09.56.a.m
[ring]
he's calling. he's hurting.

11.08 a.m.
[reminder]
remind myself to be brave. just remember that you're a tough girl. you don't need a someone else to tell you that.

i need to feel free, need to be able to be myself
i need to feel my guilt, need to break my mourn

i need to remember what i'm used to be
need to understand that i'm tough
need to know that i can get through this shits

i need to be me,
and i don't need you for that !





march 23,07. 12.52pm

i am that someone

for you cannot see what you don't want to see
you closed your ears and banned the moment
you are forgetting how to feel
how to touch the beauty without scratching

i've been bruised and i'll bruise again
you'll never know how it felt

i am that something

how can i not fall for you
if you give me those sweet words constantly
if you give me those kisses nights and days
if you hugs me and never let me go
if you make me feel like i'm the one

how can i not fall for you
if you looked at me like i'm the world
if you keep me beside you in front of your friends
if you spend days and nights with me
if you say i love you over and over again

how can i not fall for you
i'm just a normal girl who fall for someone like you
specially when you do the things you do
is it my fault then?



15.12.06/12.13.p.m

"Anyone who, can touch you, can hurt you, or heal you
Anyone who, can reach you, can love you, or leave you"
i bruise easily -natasha bedingfield

You want to stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep,
I was meant to tread the water
Now I've gotten in too deep,
For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.

You already waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me,
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what the mean,
I never thought that I'd love someone,
That was someone else's dream.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause someday I might call you from my heart,
But it might me a second too late,
And the words I could never say
Gonna come out anyway.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.
Know my heart, know my heart, know my heart



a song by james morisson

you just scared the moon
you fight the blackened nights

can i love you but not love you?

for i love you but i don't....

the last cigarette

me, the night and half-pack of cigarettes
a cigarette, a fading romance and a cup of tea
a cigarette, a word and a hope
a cigarette, unbelievable thought and a smile
a cigarette, a faint love is coming to an end
a cigarette and a lonesome feeling
just me, the night and a cigarette

i wish you were my inspiration
my motivation to woke up everyday
my last thought before i sleep
my breath

i wish you were my strenght
my reason to smile
my cure of pain and tears
my love

i wish you were my prince charming
my perfect soulmate
my future husband

i wish you didn't do these things
i wish you were strong enough
i wish you were...

i don't know who to reach
i don't know who can help me
i don't know who can pull me up


but at least i know who i can't count on to....

i am lower than my average
crushed to be pieces
blown by the wind
repeating the same unanswered question

what am i ?
to you and to myself

i've wasted myself for you and that's nothing
worthless years and worthless thoughts
i am screaming love but you're too deaf
or too busy to hear

i have enough of you
enough of myself

i have reach my end of toughts

If you wanna be my friend
You want us to get along
Please do not expect me to
Wrap it up and keep it there
The observation I am doing could
Easily be understood
As cynical demeanour
But one of us misread...
And what do you know
It happened again

A friend is not a means
You utilize to get somewhere
Somehow I didn't notice
friendship is an end
What do you know
It happened again

How come no-one told me
All throughout history
The loneliest people
Were the ones who always spoke the truth
The ones who made a difference
By withstanding the indifference
I guess it's up to me now
Should I take that risk or just smile?

What do you know
It happened again
What do you know

misread, kings of convenience
Love is no big truth,driven by our genes,we are simple selfish beings.A symphony that's you,joyously awaking the ignorant and sleeping.

UNDER QUOTE

your sorry is not a sorry,
it's a way to blame anyone else

your thank is not a thank,
it's a way to buy anyone else

your smile is not a smile,
it's a way to cover the hurt that you've made

your friendship is not a friendship,
it's your way to compete

your words is not just words,
everything you've said were underquote

i love you without touching you
i love you without kissing you
i love you without holding your hand
i love you without feeling your skin
i love you without saying it
i love you without being with you
i love you without futures
i love you without promises
i love you without hopes
i love you with believing it
i love you with truly forever
and i know forever you'll love me too




i love you but we don't belong together

just leave, if you feel like so
but don't you say that i'm the one who left you
just go, if you want to
but don't you say that i'm the one who ran away
just lie, if you have to
but don't you say that i'm the one who don't understand
i am here, doing what i can, trying to understand
i am here, listening and watching, trying to be wise
but you're there, with your own life, your own faith
just do what you got to do
but don't expect me to live you life

duapuluh empat

waktu berdetik saat demi saat
menit demi menit melangkahi kedewasaan
garis bertambah kerut demi kerut
tahun demi tahun demi tahun
kemanakah aku berpulang ?


12 june 2006

ketika kau berhenti mencintaimu
emasnya bulan membiru, kelam, dingin
jauhnya hati, mati, tak ada lagi, berkerut
bintang turun, jatuh, memeluk tanah
maka keinginan tak lagi terucap
dan takkan nyata semua harapan
ketika aku berhenti mencintaimu
tak ada masa, takkan pernah ada
takkan terjadi...



august 4th, 2003
dear tio.....

aku sombong lalu murka termakan diri
sepi yang menangis, aku, tangis, dan sakit
lemah tak kuasa berkata dan berlaku
tangis, tangis, bosan telah sampai
tak tahu, bagaimana aku...


jan. 13th, 2003
butuh kamu

gading semua retak
cinta harus menyakitkan
tawa tak bahagia tanpa tangis
tak indah semua
tak bahagia semua
tak ada sesuatu apapun
sekecil apapun yang tak bercacat
karen Tuhan memang begitu
menciptakan semuanya bercacat
...termasuk kesempurnaan



24 juni '03
melihat cacat dalam kesempurnaan

gunung dan danau jatuh cinta
mereka bertahan pada asa
namun mereka tersadar dari mimpi
tuk bersatu... dibutuhkan bencana
di alam sekitar mereka...
tetaplah pada kehendak-Nya
danau mencintai angsa
gunung mencintai awan...
jangan berputus mengharap asa!
kan datang masanya
Disaat musim panas
terdengar sayup kepakan sayap
saatnya bersua angsa...


created by : Indah Amaryllis
06 april 2002

this was a poem that she gave to me when i was down and low
a poem that mean so much to me
a poem that gave me strenght

later someone gave another poem
a poem that breaks my hearts to pieces.....again......
this was the poem :

Danau mengering terpisah gunung,
gunung meranggas meratap danau
bukan angsa yang dibutuhkan danau,
dan awan bukanlah harapan gunung...
angsa dapat datang dan pergi seiring awan berhembus,
tapi hanyalah cinta yang abadi keberadaannya,
cinta yang sejati takkan datang untuk kedua kalinya...

_ _

tolonglah...
berjalan lebih cepat
putar detik itu
tolong, kalahkan jam demi jam
demi aku
tolonglah waktuku...
hanya kamu yang bisa sembuhkan luka ini

tolong...


august 5th, 2003

saat ini aku benci
bosan jadi diri sendiri
lelah berusaha kuat
berpegang pada kesendirian
ingkari waktu, detik, hari
lupakan kata sayang

saat ini aku benci
tak tahan merasa sendirian ...


dec. 29th, 2002
02.00 a.m.

boleh kupinjam bahagiamu
mungkin dapat buatku tersenyum
mungkin aku dapat tertidur

boleh kupinjam sakitmu
mungkin tawaku bisa mereda
mungkin mimpiku bisa berganti

boleh kupinjam sinarmu
yang kadang-kadang terlihat di balik matamu
yang terganti-ganti redupnya
mungkin aku suka

boleh kupinjam hidupmu
dan dirimu sekalian...
karena aku tak lagi kenal aku
dan hidup apa yang aku langkahi

mungkin kali ini cukup
mungkin kali ini aku bisa puas


june 26th, 2003

andai hidup ini bukan hidupku
dan membunuh jiwa sendiri bukan dosa
maka aku telah menjadi bintang...



11november2002

andai hari ini bukan hariku
bukan langkahku yang terjalan
bukan teriakku yang terlepas

andai hari ini bukan hariku
takkan kurasa sakit menusuk
menyekarati perasaan
dan aku lemah, lantak...

andai hari ini bukanhariku
dan pikiran ini bukan milikku
segala sesak juga bukan kepunyaanku

andai hidup ini bukan hidupku


11november2002

aku tidak memandang cinta dari agama dan suku

betapa sempurnanya aku

betapa bodohnya aku




apr. 18, 2002

harusnya tak ada rasa itu bila kutahu akan menyiksaku

harusnya kuenyahkan kau dari diriku tapi aku tak bisa

jadi maafkanlah aku karena hatiku memilihmu...



maafkan aku karena kau sangat berarti untukku
mei 22, 2002
22.24

aku terjaga dan bimbang

aku telanjang tanpa benang

oh, pertanyaan itu lagi....!!

apakah ini hasrat yang timbul karena cinta

atau cinta yang timbul karena hasrat ?


just a poem not my feelings
17 august 2002
00.30 a.m

i realize at last
it is myself i cannot defeat
it is my tears i cannot hold
it is my feelings i cannot change
it is my love i cannot hide



bandung, 11 august 1998

always

i know i'm always be yours
whispers and kisses and tears
someone who know me for what i am
someone who always be real, be there
the only one who really understands me

you know it's you
you know it's always you




NOv. 29, 2005
break down and cry
remembering you....

ambiguous

what you do to me
what you've done to me
don't know what's your meaning

you hugged me
you didn't kiss me
you looked into my eyes
you didn't say you love me
you care for me
you didn't understand me
you held my hand
you didn't stay with me

...you're ambiguous

you do, do you?

.
.
do you really have to kiss me
.
do you really have to ?
.
do you really have to look at me?
.
with all the tender in your eyes.
.
.
.
.
do you really have to be with me ?
.
.
.

jalang

pikiranku mati
nalarku redup
mataku bisu

semua hilang karena kemunafikan !

tolong aku
tolong ?

pablo neruda's words

don't go far off
not even for a day

wait...
did you just see me there?
trying to be someone else? laughing at something that's not even funny?
with someone i barely know?

ok...
that is definitely not me!

i'm taking a friend as a friend

please just try to understand me....
if you are really my friend

out of reach

this song makes me cry... it's true and it hurts me...
a song by gabrielle, out of reach...
for you...

Knew the signs
Wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you,
And now I feel like the fool.

So confused, my hearts bruised,
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far,
I never had you heart,
Out of reach, couldn’t see,
We were never meant to be.

Catch myself from despair,
I could drown if I stay here,
Keeping busy every day,
I know I will be okay.

But I was
So confused, my hearts bruised,
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far,
I never had your heart,
Out of reach, couldn’t see,
We were never meant to be.

So much hurt, so much pain,
Takes a while to regain what is lost inside,
And I hope that in time, you’ll be out of my mind.
I’ll be over you.

But now i’m
So confused, my hearts bruised,
Was I ever loved by you.

Out of reach, so far,
I never had your heart,
Out of reach, couldn’t see,
We were never meant to be.

Out of reach, so far,
You never gave your heart,
In my reach, I can see,
There’s a life out there for me.

senin, 29 november 2004



i'm feeling kinda hurts
don't know what to do
don't know what's wrong with me

i'm only hurting my own feeling and i can do nothing about it...

you cant realize how fast love is coming
but you'll know how fast it gone....

you cant realize how precious she is
but you'll know it when she's gone...

you cant see how beautiful love is
but you'll know how much it hurt you...

so when a little happiness come, think about if she's away
learn how to love... and you'll be loved

buat Gio.... love her !

don't you know

.................you don't know how much you hurt me
all the little things you do makes me cry
and i don't even know how to tell you
that you made me fall so deep
and that kind of love hurts me so

.................why can't you see how much i love you?





i really do love you

real hurt

tengah malam... sampai menemukan puisi ini.... dengan sedikit penyesuaian...

Real Hurt PART 1

by Bruce Evens

Real hurt is seeing you...
and not toching your body or heart.
Real hurt is knowing...
knowing how close we became that night
and how so far apart that week.

Real hurt is smelling you...
and knowing that the breeze you leave
as you walk by , is as close to your sent I"ll get.
Real hurt is being...
being like a sister and trying to be a friend.

Real hurt is...

this is....me

i don't know who i am
i don't know what i've done

am i the right person in the wrong place wrong time wrong friends?

or are they all perfect....
and it's me the one who's wrong ?

why can't i just have a normal life, a normal things like they all have ?
God, you know, i'm not that strong.....


.....this is beLLa

friends ?????

aku muak melihat kebencian yang ada di sekitarku dan aku muak berada di tengah-tengahnya.
tidakkah kalian lelah membenci dan mencaci?
lihat yang mereka lakukan hingga kalian membenci, tidakkah itu sama dengan yang kalian lakukan?
jangan kalian mengeluh dibenci karena kalian pun membenci mereka.
lihatlah, kita yang merusak diri kita sendiri...
masih adakah arti pertemanan ini bagi kalian?

tolong.... bukankah kita sama-sama lelah?


bandung, 12 oktober 2004
aku minta maaf

today....

hari ini dimulai dengan kemarahan
diwarnai dengan kesalahan
dan diakhiri dengan ketulusan sebuah maaf

hari ini indah...




28 sept 2004

today....

today i rethink of my life, what've i done and everything
ternyata hidup itu melelahkan, atau cuma hidup gw aja yang melelahkan
ternyata ber-relationship juga melelahkan, atau cuma gw aja yang ngerasa
ternyata segala ucapan dan tingkah laku gw terlihat oleh orang lain
ternyata antara gw dan orang lain itu juga saling mempengaruhi
secara sadar dan tidak
ternyata menjaga pertemanan itu tidak semudah mendapatkannya
ternyata tidak selamanya seorang sahabat bisa bersahabat, termasuk gw
ternyata kata maaf itu berarti banyak
ternyata kata terima kasih itu berarti banyak juga

jadi buat teman-teman gw....
terimakasih buat segala yang kalian lakukan buat gw
dan maaf untuk hal-hal yang gw lakukan atau nggak gw lakukan buat kalian

....you do mean a lot for me....

through many sun ,through many stars
i've followed the path people gave me
rain and thunder make me stronger
and i'm bigger than ever...
but once i looked down to my heart
the scar you made can't fade away
and it still hurts me...



july 1st, 2004

for the good and bad,
fot the joy and sad,
for the love and mad,
i'll fight for us,
cause i know you'll be there and do the same


buat tio
march 18th, 2004

hei, kalau lain kali kalian mengaca
tertawalah !
kita semua bermuka dua
selalu mengulas senyum,
berhina bina di belakangku.
tak apa, toh semua orang begitu
aku sudah tahu, aku sudah siap
teruskan saja senyum dan hina kalian
tunggu saja waktu matiku
dan lihatlah kata apa dari mulut kalian
atau mungkin... kutunggu waktu matimu
hei, orang mati takkan kembali..



buat teman-temanku
18\4\04

hate

tak perlu aku membela diri di kepadamu
siapa kamu?
terserah apa kotoran di pikiranmu
hujat, hinalah aku
teruskan omongmu sampai kau puas
apa hakmu ikut dalam hidupku?
terserah aku mau mati hari ini atau besok
dosa itu milikku

march, 19th, 2004

exhale, baby

it's better that you know
that you don't have someone who'll listen to you
someone you can trust
it's much better than you think you have someone
but you don't....

april 2004

hurted

hurted... and so i'm done
easily begun not ending so simple
we dream so high, we try so hard
hurted... can't let go